Since First We Met
by Earendil Eldar
Summary: The memoirs of Arwen Undomiel from her first meeting with Aragorn onward. A rather long oneshot.


It was in the springtime of the year, the snowdrops just beginning to show in the valley. I had just returned to my beloved homeland, and was filled with joy, for the seasons here do turn through the year, unlike it is under the mallorn trees of Lothlorien. I walked along, my hand lightly caressing the smooth, pale skin of the birches, still in my riding cloak. I would go to greet ada soon enough, but the earth of my homeland had called to me first.

When first he spied me I was mesmerized, enraptured of seeing again the cliffs and the falls and surprisingly gentle hills of the valley, the white trees and the ever-green, the tiny leaf buds only just unfurling into miniature leaves, perfectly formed. The ever-present rush of the Bruinen ensconcing the valley in it's undinal song made my heart swell, and the crisp, fresh, earthy scent of the woods gave me a feeling of blissful contentment. As the sweet vernal breeze swept over me, toying with my hair, i knew at once that I had returned.

Soon I would return to the house and greet my father and many who I count dear and have greatly missed through the years of my absence. There would be a wonderful feast laid – complete with miruvor and spiced cider and fried bread and Master Finlon's honey and herb-roasted chicken (if Glorfindel should manage to wrest the bill of fare from Erestor's grasp). Then there would be singing in Hall of Fire, and oh, how I had missed Lindir's songs! Truly, I admit I had even missed my brothers' foolish limericks. Ai! But there is no place that can be quite like one's home!

The more I thought of these comforts, the sooner I wished to get back to the house. I suddenly missed ada most of all and I turned to the path home. Off in the trees I could hear someone singing, not poorly so, although… well, Lindir would never have such a voice chant one of his compositions. Yet, whoever it was, I noted him not, for I was excited to be home and preoccupied with thoughts of seeing my loved ones again.

That was when he called out, "Tinuviel!" I hesitated to respond to this appeal, although it was clear that he was calling to me. He cried out again, "Tinuviel!" and I smiled, for surely this was one of ada's frequent refugees. And was his name Beren, I could not help but wonder. And so I asked. And I told. And I laughed, for he had grown up here and thought that perhaps ada and the twins had kept me locked away for all those years.

There was something in his eyes that I saw in the dying twilight, something aimed true directly from his deepest heart. And yet something more, something that would only serve to add intensity to his adoration, for he was Mortal, and I saw there in him such a very short existence. He would be dead in less than I had been with daerada and daernana in Lorien. In the moment I realized that, my heart fell open as never before and I loved him. My heart, just a moment ago being so content, now knew humbling bitter-sweetness, knowing how soon he would be taken from me, and knowing from that point what my own fate was to be.

In the autumn of that year he departed from home. Although it rent my heart so to see him go, I knew that he did as he had to do. Few would be the times we had together after that short season, but it could not have been any other way. For he needed the time to go off alone, to fare for himself as he could, even to prove himself to himself I believe. I knew too that our love was all too intense for us to remain together frequently – it is truly spoken that the brightest stars are those which burn out the swiftest. And so I accepted our separation, though so valuable would be the years lost to us, with the confidence that a time would come when we should both be rightfully rewarded for our patience.

Such a long time went by then, and I had no knowledge of how he was faring. How many times on some pleasant, clarion day did I sit at my west window, a book of my memories of him and our short season together in my lap, weeping from the devastating ache deep within me. I ached for want of his presence and I ached even more for his fate. Just how long he had to walk upon Arda I knew not, but what may seem many years to one of his condition, would be naught to one of mine. Where once I had sang of Eärendil or Elbereth (but _never_ that preposterous song Glorfindel so often insists upon welcoming newcomers with!), now I sang of Beren and his beloved Luthien, as he did in the garden that chance evening, for that lay was now nearer to my heart than all the other songs known to Elven-kind.

Time passed by and yet my thoughts of him never dulled, and my dreams of him only grew more vivid. The sadness I felt never ebbed, and yet, at times even an unhappy thought of him could bring an unexpected smile to my face.

Daernana saw it in me nearly as easily as ada had seen it in Estel. I believe that it had naught to do with their ability for telepathy, for the indications of the one infirmity that the Eldari are not immune to have been strong. When I spoke with daernana about it she smiled sadly, for I think that she understood. While an elf may find dalliances, as many have rather famously (or infamously) done, when love comes to court there is no mistaking it, and it shall be so, regardless of what anyone else has to say. She reminded me, though, of the only way I could remain with him, which I had failed to consider knowingly. Daernana said that there was yet much time for a decision to be made, even until what she called "the great test to come," but for me this was no matter of choice at all, and in my heart I had already come to terms with Mortality.

Daerada was less reticent, saying, "You love him, Arwen… now you must stand firm and let _nothing_ overrule that." I wondered whatever could have changed daerada, for it has been said that he was rigidly set against nana being wedded to a _half_-elf.

And so I continued to walk under the great mallorn trees of Lorien, alone with my thoughts. Often I had been tempted to use the scrying pool in the garden, but that I found it to be too fickle. Sooner should I have used a palantir, had that but been safe enough at the time. Still I waited, and my heart told me clearly enough that he was well, for even through the hurt, there was still great hope.

Early one morning I had risen from a troublesome dream and gone out into the trees for solace. I dreamt that I had searched him out, fearing for him, and when I found him he was dying, decaying before my very eyes. He tried to kiss me and assure me that all would be well, but even that was too much for him. My heart was heavy and the golden leaves did naught to cheer me. Was I making a mistake, I wondered, settling there at the roots of Caras Galadhon, binding myself to such a short, bittersweet time here?

I turned quickly, startled to hear footsteps approaching, for the Silvan elves who dwell here are even lighter upon foot than are the Noldor. For a moment I stood still, wondering is this was but a vision of my fervent hope, for there on the lawn was the Man who was suffused in all of my thoughts since the day I met him. I ran out to him, letting my cloak fall to the ground behind me. He reached out to me, clad in what looked like something from daerada's wardrobe, and he held me silently and strongly, and I wept and laughed all at once of joy and relief. When I looked up into his face I could see just how many trials he had borne, but behind his weariness shone what surely showed in my face as well – the knowledge that it had all been worth it, if even just for this temporary reunion. A smile softened his face as he whispered my name, and kissed me softly. That momentary, foolish misgiving I'd had was vanquished then, and _never_ troubled me again.

Again, with the turn of the season he was gone from my side, though now I had more than just a memory, for he had named his heart mine, and I had named mine his. I nearly asked him to take me with him, for he was going home to rest for a time, but I knew that still patience was called for.

While he was gone I learned that it was not entirely his own desire to travail so, but also the influence of my father's wishes for me. Well, daerada was certainly on my side, for whatever reason; mayhap he just disliked his son-in-law enough to be at odds with him regardless of the issue. Daerada was a true ally to me, promising that Estel should not go without protection and that, if this "King of all Middle-earth nonsense" of ada's carried on much longer, he would see us given haven in Caras Galadhon for as long as necessary. I would not have refused the offer, should it have come to that, for I was determined that Aragorn should not have to lose a hand to gain mine; and I would have gone to Mordor to defeat Sauron myself to save him.

Of course, it was only later that I learned that daerada's idea of "protection" came in the form of the ever-petulant Mithrandir and the headstrong son of King Thranduil of Mirkwood.

Time passed and again I waited until I might next see my beloved. Only now I was much more resolved and confident, and I shed far fewer tears for his destiny. It was my comfort to know that I had made my choice and that I too should share that fate.

Before long, ada sent the twins and Glorfindel to fetch me home to Imladris, most likely to get me away from daerada's influence, but it was said that the mountains were becoming dangerous to traverse. They always had been. I left there in daerada's keeping a talisman for Estel, should he return to Lorien – a brooch in the form of a mighty eagle, set with a green burl. I wanted him to know that I yet held true and to have something of mine that might give him hope to look upon and the strength to persist.

This homecoming had not been like the last, for though I was glad to be home again, I could not help but feel that there was a division that had never before been between ada and i. I was angry that he should be so selfish as to try to spare me the agony of the fate of Men, or to try to keep his _wilwarin-neth _under glass. Did he not see that I wished to order my own life and that I had already made the choice that would make me happy, if for but a while? Did ada not understand that not one year's worth of love was so much more valuable than all of an Elven lifetime of regret?

And so I decided to combine my energies with my hopes and I began to fashion a royal standard with the conviction that one day Estel would stand victorious before it. It served not only to occupy my hands and mind, and to fill the days, but also to ease ada's worries about me. Had he seen how I walked through Lorien in melancholia he would have taken me to Mithlond himself, forthwith.

In that time I also spent much time practicing the art of telepathy. I had grown up knowing well enough how to keep others (ada, the twins, and daernana) from reading my thoughts like an open book, but I myself had never actively exercised the power. Now, though, I knew Arda to have grown all the more precarious to travel, and I could not exclusively trust a capricious wizard and Thranduil's son to my beloved's wellbeing.

After some time of having little to be troubled about from Estel I learned that the Ring had become very active again. In the autumn, Gildor and his party had been to Rivendell (as they did only when they wanted something) and I heard him telling Glorfindel that Gandalf had gone missing – more than usual. Not only this, but Nazgûl were being reported all about the East Road, and it was said that the Halfling, Bilbo's, nephew, was traveling here… bearing the Ring. Estel had been spending much time guarding the Shire, and I spent days frightened for him if he should be tracking the Periannath, for he carried the broken sword of Elendil and if it should be recognized he would risk being taken to Mordor if he was overpowered.

I prevailed upon Glorfindel to disregard the patrol schedule to ride out to Estel and guard his coming (risking the wrath of Erestor, which I promised I would be completely accountable for, knowing that Erestor would soften for me). Knowing Glorfindel as well as I do Erestor, all it took was for me to say that surely only the magnificent Balrog-slayer could possibly serve to protect Estel and the Halfling bearing the Ruling Ring. His "ostentatiousness" did not argue.

When the Hobbit Frodo arrived delirious with some Morgul sickness, utterly alone upon Asfaloth, I thought it would be my undoing. Mithrandir, lately arrived, assured me, however, that all were well, but with three other Hobbits in tow and still trying to avoid four Nazgul, it was more likely that they would not arrive until late in the day. I aided ada in the wearying surgery and afterward went out to the terrace to rest and recollect; although I was not inexperienced in healing, it had seemed extraordinarily tiring, and I knew not whether it was due to the nature of the illness of the Halfling, or if my vitality was already diminishing.

As the western sky dimmed on an already grey day, the rain clouds broke into a balmy autumnal shower and I felt myself nearly dozing. I was roused by footsteps and voices down in the courtyard, coming into the house. Erestor would be very unhappy with the muddy footprints, and so I stayed in the upper hall, waiting for Estel. He looked so exhausted and weary and when he saw me there in his chamber drawing a hot bath for him, the weight of his years seemed to melt. He held me and said only, "_le melin, vanimelda." _

And so, we were granted another season before he set off, this time with a host, of sorts. This parting seemed the most bitter to me, for though I wanted dearly to trust to hope, I knew what his quest was this time, and I knew that he did not expect to be victorious. Though I did not read that doom in his eyes that I did in those of the Halfling, I was worried greatly. Even if Estel survived victorious, and i admit that it was only the slimmest of chances, then he should still have to face claiming his heritage; that could be easier said than done, judging by the reactions of Lord Boromir of Gondor.

Those were the hardest months I have ever endured, especially after we had word from daernana that Mithrandir had fallen to a Balrog in Moria (though it was quickly learned that, yet again, the Istar had cheated death). It was shortly after that that ada finally let the twins loose, knowing full well that he would no longer be able to persuade them to patience as it was. I asked Elladan to take with them the standard I had woven, to give it to Estel that he might not lose heart.

Now all I had to do was keep heart myself, and that was a trying challenge. Though always was there hope, some hope, in my heart. Imladris had fallen silent through the winter, with such ill news as attacks in Lothlorien and a full-blown battle in Mirkwood. Lindir had not so much as touched his harp and Glorfindel was quite unusually subdued. Even Erestor had not been bustling about between the library and his study. Ada was tense and withdrawn such as I have never seen him, even after nana's departure, and I myself sometimes spent entire days sitting in the cold, unfruitful garden, a pervading chill often being the only thing that drew me back inside.

I could feel the shadow closing in; if we lingered too much longer there might be no escape. Could ada's ring really keep us safe, if even Lorien was vulnerable? Why, I asked myself time and again, had I not insisted to go with Estel, or followed him? Luthien had done as much for her Beren. If he should fall… I would never recover from it.

Then one day something changed. When I awakened from a dream in which I saw Estel, smiling, holding a bundle in his arms, my heart no longer felt heavy. Anor was bright and clear and birds sang again their joyous songs in the budding garden. I thought that surely I was still in a dream, so used to dwelling in sadness and melancholy was I by then.

I rose and went out into the hall, where I heard many excited voices down in the entryway. I saw Glorfindel coming around the corner, closely followed by Erestor and I asked them what was the commotion.

Glorfindel said, "Do you not feel it? The Shadow is dispelled."

"Sauron thrown down, once and for all," Erestor said triumphantly.

For a moment I stood silent, almost beyond reaction. "Truly?" I asked cautiously. "This is not a mere dream?"

Glorfindel laughed merrily. "No dream, hiril-nîn!" he assured me. "The Ring is destroyed, Sauron is no more, and never again shall be."

"And all without your help, imagine!" Erestor jibed.

"Hush, thou rain cloud, even you cannot dim this day!" Glorfindel quickly retorted.

"Then it is over, after so many ages…" I whispered, still in shock. Then a terrible thought crashed into me. "Estel, what of Estel?" I pleaded, for it would be no victory at all to me if this had claimed him.

Again Glorfindel laughed, wearing a broad smile. "He is perfectly well, though likely perfectly exhausted. He is supposed to take up his crown in a month's time… where is that paper?"

Erestor waved the parchment just out of Glorfindel's grasp and said to me, "And you, my dear, have a wedding gown to begin work on…." Erestor said, wearing a teasing smirk as he tried to mask his jubilation as he had done ever since I can recall.

All at once I realized what this meant and I was overborne. I wept on Erestor's shoulder and said over and over, "is it true… is it true?"

"Aye… it is true," said another voice by the stairs and I turned to see ada. He looked like he'd taken no rest in days and his eyes were rimmed in red. Ada had been crying? "Arwen," he said quietly, "Last night I realized how much of a fool I have been these past years. Can you find it in you to forgive me for being an inadequate father?"

"Ada!" I sobbed, exchanging Erestor's hug for ada's.

"I have been interfering in matters that were not meant for me, pen-neth, I am sorry that I realize this so late. Your nana would be furious with my behavior. But I will see all put right yet, I give you my word," ada said. "In a month's time we leave Imladris. I have a very precious coronation gift that I must bring to my son," he said, cupping my cheek in his hand as he smiled sadly.

"It's about time you came to your senses," Erestor muttered as he walked away.

Thus ada and I were reconciled and I quickly and joyfully began to work on a new gown. I also found myself looking about the valley more than I ever had. I would be leaving _home _in only a month, and not just for a visit to daerada and daernana. As much as I knew I would miss Imladris, it also came to me that I would go anywhere to be with my Estel, and that even the beloved valley could not be worth more to me than him.

It was such a short time until the day came for us to depart, and so much had happened in that time. Although Lorien's borders had suffered some damages, most grievous among them being the loss of my dear friend, Haldir, still the Shadow did not prevail. Daernana had destroyed Dol Guldur that the woodlands might be untainted again, and daerada had finally gotten his hands on south Mirkwood, having tried for ages to wrest that land from King Thranduil's grasp. Then, just to irritate Thranduil, he gave the land of "East Lorien" over to the woodmen. A week was spent in Lorien before many Elves from the wood joined us on the road south.

As we approached the city of Edoras in Rohan, the land of the horse-lords, two riders came out to us. Even had they not borne the banner of Imladris, their dark hair should have singled them out amongst the Rohirrim. When I spied them up ahead I maneuvered quickly around the rest of our host and galloped out to them. We all three dismounted at the same time and 'Dan and 'Ro caught me in a hug I thought would crush me. I never thought I would be so happy to see my brothers well and unscathed. They couldn't stop talking about Estel and saying how proud they were and enthusiastic about the wedding.

As we journeyed then from Edoras to Minas Tirith, it was noted that ada was growing quiet and seemed to have much on his mind. Many of those accompanying us also seemed to become somber, for I think that it was becoming plain how much change had just taken place and how swiftly even more changes would come. I knew that when ada and daernana and I did part it would be for the final time, for they both would go to the Havens sooner than later; the Rings they bore were drained now of their staying power and I could see such weariness in them both.

The first time I looked upon the White City, I was absolutely stunned. It was evening and the city was backlight by the sun setting over the mountain. I never imagined that it was so big, nor that a city of Men could be so majestic. It seemed more like the work of the Noldor than Men of Númenor. The twins rode up ahead as vanguard, saying they were going to drag Estel out of the city, by force if needed. I was tempted to stick my tongue out at them, but I refrained, particularly as Erestor was still trying to get my headpiece to sit just right… until ada told him to ride forward with Glorfindel, for I already looked so perfect as to break his ancient heart. Ada held my hand and squeezed it gently, and I told myself again and again that I would not weep.

Up ahead the gates, which looked to have been fashioned in haste after the battle, were opened and a trumpet blared. Ada and I rode through into the city last and as I dismounted, looking around at what was to become my new home, I could only think that I hoped Estel planned to plant more trees.

Then I saw him there in the crowd and my heart leap, how different he looked now and every inch the King that he always was to me. He was greeting Lindir and just happened to glance over our way, as if he was looking to see who he would welcome next. It seemed as if Lindir vanished to his eyes, as if all the world vanished, but for him and i. He came to me, ignoring everyone else's welcomes, and I saw tears in his eyes. He moved to take me in his arms, but hesitated, almost as if he wasn't sure if I was really there.

Ada touched his arm gently and Estel turned to look questioning. Ada enfolded Estel in a tight embrace and whispered something to him as he stepped back and placed our hands together. All at once we were in each other's arms again and the deafening applause that erupted throughout the city was dim and distant to us. All through the night at the feast Estel looked to be under an enchantment and he would not let go of my hand for a moment. In fact, he only parted me even fleetingly when he and ada stepped away together for a time.

The celebration of our wedding and the ensuing days thereafter was incredible. On the way through Rohan into Gondor I had started to wonder if the people would accept me, for frequently we were openly stared at in these lands. My fears seemed to be baseless though, as all of the people who I met in the city were exceedingly kind and cheerful to me. I felt most welcomed by Estel's adjutant Lord Faramir. The moment I met him I knew that it was he who was meant to accompany the Ring-bearer, instead of his brother.

I took my time in becoming acclimated to my new home. This place was certainly like nothing I had ever known before. Estel assured me of many changes that he had planned, chief among them was planting trees, for this city was nearly devoid of greenery. We often spent as much time as we could in the gardens that were in the City. I spent nearly all of my time there, although Estel was frequently kept busy. That was something that I certainly hoped would not last too long, but I understood that he too was more or less new to this place. It was comforting to know that we were both starting new lifestyles together.

One afternoon while we were talking about adding _ithilloth_ to the garden at the Citadel the Ring-bearer approached us. This Hobbit was most extraordinary, even among Hobbits, for I did not expect that he should survive the quest he undertook, and yet he was so well recovered from his trials. As he spoke with us I began to realize that I had not been entirely incorrect, for he was weary, as much so as ada and daernana, and even Mithrandir, now seemed, and there was sadness ever in his eyes.

Had others known that this would be the outcome should the Ruling Ring be destroyed, for I did not know, but I could see it then. Only, ada, daernana, and Mithrandir all had the option of casting off the wearying effects of what were the now-useless Rings of Power. Just then I became aware of something, as if one of the Valar had directed my thoughts thusly… I would not be sailing into the West, but that did not mean that that power of immortality was to be of no use. I wore a pendant that had been given to me by Master Cirdan when I was but an elfling. I took the white gem from around my neck and gifted it to Frodo, one who needed the blessings of the Valinor which I had no wish for. I also gave a small gift to Master Samwise, for in truth he too bore the Ring, as did Bilbo, and I thought it fitting and just that all three should be granted the privilege of peace. I was much more at ease after that, knowing that I had at last found a way of balancing my choice against the privilege that had been allotted me.

It was not long then until we were asked to accompany a host of Rohirrim to lay to rest the slain King of Rohan. It was decided that those of my kindred would use that journey to depart Gondor and travel back to their respective lands. I went also, riding side by side with Estel. It was during the feast subsequent to the funeral that it came to me that when ada and daernana parted from us at Edoras, I would not see them again, not for more ages than any Elf has ever known. This parting would be forever until the day the very world of ours will be unmade by Eru, The One. This, then, was what ada had so feared.

After the feast in the Golden Hall, my family and I withdrew to a secluded place outside of the city for some while. There I parted from my beloved ada until the ending of the world. Of this I wish to say no more.

The years went by and Estel became much more comfortable in his leadership than I think he ever imagined he could be. Together we had a son, Eldarion, who has made Estel the happiest man I have ever seen, and I the proudest nana, as have all of our children. When Eldarion was grown enough to travel we decided to return for a time to _home_, using the excuse of making the journey to the North Kingdom of Arnor. We spent some while at Evendim and went to the Shire to visit our friends there. Our stay in Imladris was, as expected, bittersweet. Daerada was there now, competing with Glorfindel for superiority. Their "lighthearted" conflict must have served to replace the constant contest between Glorfindel and Erestor, for Erestor had sailed West when ada went. There were so few Elves left in the valley, though daerada said that Lorien fared worse, and that there was now none of what made Lothlorien unique. At least the twins were still around, and that made me feel much better… until they decided to come back to Gondor with us. The chaos they caused the last time still has not been forgotten. Again, of this, I wish to say no more.

Several years after returning from Arnor I gave birth to twin daughters. After that experience, I gained an unbelievable amount of respect for my naneth, at the same time wondering if she was mad to have survived her first birthing experience only to do it again with me. I was exhausted for nearly a year after my second pregnancy, and I had never been so grateful for the grace of the Valar that allowed me to retain that certain ability granted to _ellyth_, to make a conscious decision to conceive or not. Three children, it was quite enough for ada and nana… so it was for Estel and i. What Mortal women endure, I do not wish to begin to imagine!

Then came my little baby son's wedding day. How had he managed to grow up that quickly? Here he was, a young man already. Valar, but he looked just like Estel did when we first met in Imladris so many years ago. So many years… and only then did I really notice how much those around me were aging.

Estel particularly. Oh, he certainly was not decrepit by any standard, but I began to notice the little things changing. The grey streaks in his dark hair, how it took him a moment longer to rise from his chair because his joints ached him.

I did know that this would happen. It would seem to creep in slowly at first, then hasten until you feared how much time was left. I had seen it before, just… not this closely. He was still strong and virile though, there would be much time left. It was too early to even contemplate.

The thought passed from my mind until I noticed Estel having difficulty reading at night, the light was too low and the writing too small, he would say of a book that he had read well enough not 20 years before, from just the same light of the same oil lamp.

Time passed and these signs continued, waxing and waning in cycles. From what I knew of those of Númenorean blood, they were granted a gift to choose the hour of their passing… provided they made it to a time of natural passing. Now I began to wonder what hour would Estel choose. Every time he seemed to notice a new grey strand or a wrinkle, I downplayed it and assured him that he was young and well. Honestly, 200 years was young in my eyes.

But despite my support, Estel began to feel it, time pressing on. I could see it in him at times, he would glance over at me as he was trying to endure sitting through some council or listening to the same song played by the same minstrel, yet again. He was weary. Not of the council or the song, or even me, but of living. His time was coming and he could either chose to go with peace and dignity on his own terms, or, as so many others had chosen, to fight time and the will of Eru, just a little bit longer.

I knew him well enough to know what his choice would be, even before he began to think of making a choice. We had come full-circle, then.

Every time he sat with Eldarion, showing him how this or that would be handled, I simply rose and left the room. I knew what he was doing, and it made my heart so heavy. I had seen many others depart us, Faramir had gone in 82, having lived the last 5 years of his life in mourning for his beloved lady. I was surprised that he held on for those 5 years, but he often said that Elboron wasn't ready for the White Rod yet. He really meant that he wanted to finish his book with his grandson, Barahir, Gondor's most prolific writer.

One night when I went move Estel's journal aside I noticed a line reading, "instinct tells me to pull back, if only to avoid the damage that will come, but… all these things are nothing… they fade and decay." I wept, feeling a sudden chill, and knowing what it meant.

It was a particularly warm summer afternoon when Elboron came to Estel's study with requisitions and found him slumped over his desk in a cold sweat. I was walking with Eldarion when Barahir came running up to us, telling us that the King was unwell. Elboron's son looked terrified. I felt unsteady as I rushed to our chambers and saw him lying upon the bed, obviously ill. Our son was beside Elboron, and aside from Estel, they were Gondor's finest healers. Both assured me that it was just a common illness and would pass before long. My heart told me that so, too, would Estel.

He did recover swiftly, though I found I had practically no healing energies left to aid him, and after a few weeks he seemed as though nothing had ever happened. Nevertheless, I took no chances and sent for the twins to come. The arrived in the autumn with Glorfindel, and I was glad to see them. Estel was also, but they seemed to know why I had called for them. They, too, could see it – he was making ready to depart, even if he was not yet aware of it. I knew it in the way Elladan assured me they would stay as long as necessary.

In the winter months Estel developed a chest cold that lingered long. He was not to recover from that. On a night at the end of Nínui, as we lay down to sleep, Estel wrapped his arms around my waist and whispered, "Herves-nin… vanimelda… le melin." I mention this instance not because it was extraordinary for him to do, but there was some urgency in his tone that made me believe he was desperate for me to know his love. He did not want me to believe he was leaving because he was weary of _me_.

I did not sleep that night for fear that he would simply stop breathing in the hours of darkness. Perhaps he had not quite decided to leave, though, I thought as we sat down to supper the next evening, hand in hand. I smiled when he took a second portion of dessert, for his appetite was assuredly not diminished! We returned to our apartments and sat by the fire for a time, he finishing some paperwork, as I picked up my embroidery. I could feel his eyes on me more than they were on his work though.

Finally he rose and stood aside his desk. "Arwen?" he said quietly. I looked up with a soft smile, remembering just that same tone from our wedding night. My smile fell, as he said peacefully, "my time has come, and I am ready to face it." He reached out his hand to me, silently asking me to accompany him on his final walk. My heart felt as if lodged in my throat and I could not speak a word as we went quietly down the hall. He stopped at Eldarion's chambers and asked him to walk with us as well. I could see in my son's eyes that he guessed what his ada was doing, though I am sure that the grief on my face told him the whole tale. On the way he bid a guard to have both sets of twins, our brothers and our daughters, as well as Glorfindel, Elboron, and Barahir come to Rath Dinen at once, and then to permit no one else to enter until he heard otherwise.

Quickly we had a small, anxious procession following us to the House of the Kings where there was already a funerary bed prepared. It was draped in red-gold and purple. Estel brushed a hand over the soft cloth as he waited for everyone to gather. I was trembling with the effort of not losing my nerve, but I knew that it was a lost cause. I tried to force myself not to listen as he began a quiet farewell speech to his family and friends. I tried so hard to stand strong beside him as I had for so many years.

There was heard a commotion up at the gate, and I was glad for a moment's delay and distraction, if only that. A moment later Legolas came upon the crowd wearing a questioning expression, Gimli hurrying along behind him. Aragorn walked over and embraced his long-time friends, saying that the Valar must have sent them that night. Legolas demanded to know just what was going on, for they had just been coming through the gate between the fifth and sixth when they saw the procession at the gate, they sent their horses on to the stables and followed, demanding entrance. Ironically, Gimli seemed to know already and said nothing. That was the only time I've ever witnessed a dwarf's eyes water.

Estel bid farewell to his loyal companions, to his dear friend and mentor Glorfindel, his brothers, his daughters, and his son. To Faramir's son and grandson, he charged the transition from old King to new King, and he asked Elboron to go and make known his passing. To Eldarion he handed his crown and scepter and bid him to go forth and do as he had always done, to make him a very proud father. To the girls he smiled and bid them weep not, but to celebrate the long, happy life that was his. Our son and daughters he told to go and rest in the arms of their beloved ones and to take the time to heal.

Our brothers and Glorfindel, as well as Legolas and Gimli, he spoke to in a whisper, maybe thinking that my hearing was not what it once was, but I heard him ask that they take care of me. I might have felt a bit left out, if I could not tell that the words he wished to share with me at the end were for my ears alone. He asked them what their paths would lead them to, likely not so much for his own edification as to get them to think of a time after his passing. He was always so clever about that and it was part of what made him such a true leader and King.

After what seemed hours everyone had departed and there was no one left there but him and i. He turned to me then for the first time since he rose from his desk. I realized that this was because he knew that the moment he did so I would break down. He was entirely correctly, of course. He held me there as strongly as he did when I first came to Minas Tirith. "Come, vanimelda, sit with me for a moment?"

I could only sob,"_Saes… Estel-nin_…" How could he leave me! "_Saes_, not yet," I begged. "It is too soon, stay with me, do not go."

"Arwen," he whispered, pulling me gently to sit with him and wrapping his arms around me.

I had gone from sobbing to thoroughly crying. I knew that this had been coming, I had seen it since the day I met him. I knew well that I would have to face this, and just the prospect of it could reduce me to near-hysterical weeping when I was feeling fragile. And I knew also that should he stay any longer it would only be detrimental to all involved.

"This hour is as bitter to me as it to you, _mela_. I cling to the knowledge that in time we will be together again, that this is but a temporary parting, and surely we have already sustained those," he said to me, wearing a smile meant to cheer me up as he tenderly brushed away my tears. It only made me cry more. "I do not wish to cause you hurt, but Arwen… would it not hurt more to see me fall apart? I would rather go this way, and leave you with good memories of a strong man."

"So soon, though?" I asked, scarcely about to speak.

"It is not all that soon, really," he said, indicating just how tired he was of living his mortal life.

"Maybe not to you, but it is to me," I whispered.

"Ah, Arwen, I know that nothing I can say can ease this for you, or for me. But for my part, all of our happy years together have been worth this. And I still am certain that this is not truly an ending. I am but going to sleep, where I will await you as you have often awaited me."

"I am not ready to say farewell," I said, still hoping to forestall him, someway. This, then, was Mortality.

"Then do not, keep me in your heart and you shall not have to say farewell."

"I love you," I cried quietly as I held him and wept, my face pressed against his strong, velvet-clad chest. I trembled and my throat was sore as he held onto me.

After a long while he slowly pulled back and kissed my forehead, then my lips. We heard the tolling of the bell in the high tower and he sighed. They expected he was gone by then. He lay down beside me, making himself comfortable just as if he were laying down in our bed after a long day in councils. My heart was rent by the sight of him, looking so comfortable and peaceful.

He took my hand in his, and kissing it, said, "I love you, my Evenstar, since the very first time I saw you." I cried bitterly as he held my hand long, stroking it with his thumb. With his free hand he reached up to touch my wet cheek. "So many memories I shall have for dreams until I hold you again." Then he reclined and curled upon his side and said to me, "goodnight, beloved." And he slept. And it was my breaking.

I did not leave his side until dawn. I was still shaking even as I stood and went out to the rest of the City. My brothers were waiting for me at the door to the Street, keeping their own vigil. I began to weep all over again when I saw them, and then every time thereafter when I saw something that sparked a memory of my Estel. They held onto me, though, flanking me, ushering me through the mourning crowds, and helped me up to the Citadel, where I went directly to bed. As I fell asleep, I could hear Elrohir say to Elladan that he believed this would be the death of me. I knew at once that he was not wrong.

Two days later Estel's body was officially laid to rest in a tomb, in the place where he had relinquished his fëa, after his people had come to pay their last respects, and they were many. I say truly, though, that not one condolence did I receive of easily a thousand that lightened my heart, despite their kindest intentions. I was utterly without hope.

The twins, the boys as well as my girls, were worried about me. Eldarion was worried about me and using practically all of the time allotted to the new King for grieving to stay with me and trying to console me. Finally I had to demand that he take care of himself and his wife and their children. Minas Tirith, indeed all of Gondor mourned long and hard. The passing of Estel was like the changing of the world and many did not know what the world was like without him in it. I myself had rather forgotten.

After a few months I could no longer bear to be in the White City that Estel had made his own. I almost wanted to go back to Imladris, and would have but that there were still those who lingered there. I needed to be alone, and I could not bear anyone fretting over me any more. My own time was coming, and like wild animals do, I sought to be by myself when that time came. None now dwelt in Lorien, and even the trees were fading of their luster, so that was to where I went. To die in a dying land. The same land that had nurtured me for many years. What once was immortal, now is mortal. I took my horse and left the City, without a host or a guard. Riding out alone, my mourning cloak wrapped about me, for I was so cold, even when the sun shone.

I have dwelt here some months, alone with my memories, my anguish, and the love that is still bittersweet in my heart. It was here, upon Cerin Amroth, that Estel and I pledged to one another. Here, I accepted a Mortal life. I know now the pain of mortality, fully, but I do not regret. Were I in Valinor today, I should only have a lifetime of regret.

I sit, my back pressing against the smooth bole of a mallorn, its golden leaves lightly falling around me, like the tears I shed upon Estel's bier. I weave a circlet of elanor and niphredil as I used to do in my younger days, before the Shadow was dispelled. I am weary now, and shall lay me down for a time and sleep.

And start a new dream.

* * *

_wilwarin-neth - little butterfly_

_le melin vanimelda - i love you, fair (one)_

_hirin-nin - my lady_

_ithilloth - moonflower_

_ellyth - female elves (from elleth - i supposed it would be made plural this way)_

_Ninui - February_

_Herves-nin - my wife_

_Saes - please_

_mela - beloved_

_Yes this is pretty long for a one-shot, but once i started writing it two weeks ago it wouldn't let me go. I haven't worked on anything in those two weeks all because of this little plotbunny. After writing this i realize yet again how much i identify with Arwen._

_The last line i borrowed from the Trans-siberian Orchestra's _Beethoven's Last Night _closing song _A Final Dream.


End file.
